See Right Through Me
by precious-passenger
Summary: It's a normal week for New Directions, sing a song that expresses what they feel, but Kurt has a little bit more than that to say about the assignment. Set in early season two. Warning for depressing thoughts. One Shot. Complete.


A/N: Hiya there! So this one-shot happens in early season two. It's a bit angsty drabble that has been on my mind, but couldn't find any place for it in the current multi-chapter I've been writing so I decided to put it in a new story.

* * *

It was another week of inspiring assignments on glee. Express what's going on with you. Express what's _really_ going on with you. Bring out the song that speaks to your soul, and honestly Kurt couldn't be more bored.

He could probably do an upbeat and happy Beatles song and they would buy it. He played the distant and untouchable bitch, the diva, part for far too long that anyone would really notice the difference. But he didn't want to please anymore people. He didn't want to pretend. This couple of weeks has been pure hell and he wanted, needed to express himself.

Now, what song to choose? Sometimes choosing the right song was the most difficult thing he had to do. How to find a song to sum up the loneliness and sadness he felt these days?

As soon as he heard the song in his shuffle mix, the connection he'd felt with the song was mesmerizing. He hadn't even been looking for the song consciously. It was as if the song had found him instead of the other way around.

_Would they understand? _and an even scarier question _Would they care? _was the single thought going on in his head as he rearranged the song more appropriately for his vocal range.

He'd worked the song to perfection and was the first one prepared, but he let everyone else have a go first throughout the week. Being one of first ones to perform _this_ song was nerve-wrecking for Kurt.

Kurt barely listened to the songs the rest of the glee club sang. He had been in New Directions enough to know the gist of them. Rachel would probably sing an emotional ballad to Finn, with Quinn glaring daggers at her. Finn would be singing some cheesy song to the girl of the month, be it Rachel, Quinn or Santana. Mercedes would probably sing a song about being alone and being happy about it. Actually come to think of it, Kurt had heard "I don't need a man" in her song's lyrics.

When Mr. Shuester called him to get ready for his song, he could feel his heart beating in his throat. He nodded to the band, signaling for them to start. He remembered their raised eyebrows when he said them which song he'd be singing.

_All around me are familiar faces  
Worn out places, worn out faces_

When he was singing this song to himself for practice, he imagined looking at each of the members, his friends, maybe gesturing to the choir room, but this was no place for dramatics, he was baring his soul and he couldn't force anything, other than himself to come through the song.

_Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow  
No tomorrow, no tomorrow_

He thought of the sleepless nights, worrying what would happen in school the next day or more occasionally, if in the next room his dad was feeling well. His dad's heart attack had left Kurt feeling very very scared.

_Went to school and I was very nervous  
No one knew me, no one knew me_

No one in the school seemed to know him. They knew "the gay kid" or "the target". But other than this band of misfits gathered in a small class, nobody in school could really sympathize.

He couldn't sing the next sentence, the verse was painful, so he skipped right to the last chorus.

_And I find it kinda funny  
I find it kinda sad  
The dreams in which I'm dying  
Are the best I've ever had_

He looked down in shame. That was why he'd chosen the song. He felt too tired to wake up. He didn't want to wake up anymore. It was a scary thing to feel.

_I find it hard to tell you  
I find it hard to take_

His hands were shaking, his mind was in a haze and he could barely finish the song.

_When people run in circles  
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world_

A few scattered applauses, Kurt was still looking down.

"Good job, Kurt. Next time try a little bit harder on your breath control." Mr. Shuester said.

As if on cue, the bell rang. "Great job, everybody. See you next week." And left the classroom. Probably off to follow Ms. Pillsbury around, Kurt thought bitterly. He watched the glee club went off the door, in groups of two and three, offering a small smile at the best. Then, the band members arranged their instruments and left.

Kurt felt more alone than ever. He couldn't believe that no one understood that he'd been upset. That he could go home and suffer through all the loneliness, but this time the feeling would be much more intense because he'd really understood how accurate it really was.

What a great scenario for a suicide… Kurt thought absently, shocking himself. A sad, depressing song gone without notice and the next news would be finding his dead body.

His thoughts disgusted him. What a sick and self-centered thing to think. That was one of the main reasons he wanted someone else to notice, because he felt like his worst enemy in these times.

He'd been there for most of the glee club at least once, girls much more than once, lending a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. But…what about now that he wanted a listening ear? Now he needed to cry. He hated shedding lonely tears in the darkness of his room and muffled sobs in the blanket.

Was it all about breath control, Mr. Shuester? Or you didn't want to see, or care?

He could sing the part he skipped easily now. It didn't matter anyway.

_Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson  
Look right through me, look right through me_

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A/N: I was a sophomore in high school, I think. There was some kind of writer's club in the school. Needless to say, even though I skipped most of my classes that year, my attendance record for that class was perfect. I loved that club, being part of something special blah blah blah…

In one of the last sessions of that class, I read one of my stories, which I still can't think of it as something other than an obvious suicide letter. The only comment and critique I got was to "have better breath control and phrasing while reading" and that was only because I've been shaking so hard to concentrate on anything else. So, this story was about that, I guess.

A/N.N (Author's next note): A review a day, would make the writer's day.

Also, song used was "Mad World" by Gary Jules, although I believe Kurt had used some awesome runs and falsettos for the song, you could listen to Adam Lambert's version to get the idea.


End file.
